Prayers for Your Children (and Grandchildren!)

One of my favorite ways to help new moms get off to a great start praying for their children is to create a roll of index cards that feature one verse from scripture they can pray for their child every day.  I actually got the idea for doing this from a grandmother in Vermont who kept a similar roll on her dining room table so she could pray one verse each day for her grandchildren.

The beauty of this ~ you don’t have to spend hours in prayer to have a significant eternal impact in the lives of your children and grandchildren!  Slow and steady wins the race!

And I love how this gets us beyond praying for more temporal needs (not at all to say those aren’t important!) but praying God’s Word can really help us invest strategically in the lives of those we love.

Years ago Jerry Bridges wrote an article entitled, “Engaging The Unseen Foe”  and in it he utilizes military terms to challenge us to not just pray about logistics but also about things that are tactical and strategic – and how key especially those strategic prayers are for God’s kingdom advancing. I’ll re-post that article at the end of this post in case you’d like to read it!  What an huge impact this has made on the way I pray!  As well as on my life and the lives of those I’m praying for!

Now there are a ton of verses you can use for prayer – in fact, one dear friend and I are praying straight through the Scriptures each week as we walk and pray for our husbands.  We take turns reading verses through a chapter, stopping when the Lord prompts us to pray for something related to that verse for our husbands and children.  So far we’ve prayed our way through Ephesians, Luke, Acts, and are now praying through the book of Romans.  You can pick up a Bible anytime, anywhere and do this!

But having some verses in a ready to use (ready to pray!) format can really facilitate this happening.  Years ago, in Pray! Magazine a format for 31 days of praying for your children was published that I often use as the basis for my roll of index cards, adapting the format so I can personalize it for the child being prayed for.

1.       Salvation: “Lord, let salvation spring up within _______ that he may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory” Isaiah 45:8 and II Timothy 2:10

2.       Growth in Grace: I pray that ________may “grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.” II Peter 3:18

3.       Love: Grant, Lord, that ________ may learn to live a life of love through your Holy Spirit. Eph. 5:2 and Gal. 5:22

4.       Honesty and Integrity: May honesty and integrity be ________’s virtue and protection. Ps 25:21

5.       Self Control: Father, help _______ not to be like many others around him, but let him be “alert and self controlled” in all he does. I Thes 5:6

6.       A Love for God’s Word: May ___________ grow to find your word “more precious than gold, than much pure gold, (and) sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.” Ps 19:10

7.       Justice: God, help _________ to love justice as you do and to “act justly” in all he does. Ps 11:7 and Micah 6:8

8.       Mercy: May ____________ always “be merciful as (his) Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36

9.       Respect (for self, others and authority): Father, grant that __________ may “show proper respect to everyone” as your Word commands. I Peter 2:17

10.   Biblical Self Esteem: Help _____________ develop a strong self esteem that is rooted in the realization that he is “God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus.” Eph 2:10

11.   Faithfulness: Let love and faithfulness never leave _________but bind these twin virtues around his neck and write them on the tablet of his heart. Prov. 3:3

12.   A Passion for God: Lord, please instill in _____________a soul with a craving for you, a heart that clings passionately to you. Ps 63:8

13.   Responsibility: Grant that ___________ may learn responsibility “for each one should carry their own load.” Gal. 6:5

14.   Kindness: Lord, may _________ “always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.” I Thes 5:15

15.   Generosity: Grant that ___________ may “be generous and willing to share and so lay up treasure for himself as a firm foundation for the coming age.” I Tim 6: 18-19

16.   Peace-loving:  Let ___________ “make every effort to do what leads to peace.” Ro. 14:19

17.   Hope: May the God of hope grant _________ to overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit. Ro. 15:13

18.   Perseverance: Lord, teach ____________ perseverance in all he does. And help him especially to “run with perseverance the race marked out him.” Hebrews 12:1

19.   Humility: Lord, please cultivate in _________ the ability to “show true humility toward all.” Titus 3:2

20.   Compassion: Lord, please clothe___________ with the virtue of compassion. Gal. 3:12

21.   Prayerfulness: Grant Lord, that _____________’s life may be marked by prayerfulness, that he may learn to “pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” Eph. 6:18

22.   Contentment: Father, teach ______________ “the secret of being content in any and every situation…through you who gives (him) strength.” Phil. 4:12-13

23.   Faith: I pray that faith will find root and grow in ________’s heart, that by faith he may gain what has been promised to him. Luke 17:5-6 and Heb 11:1-40

24.   A Servant’s Heart: Lord, please help ______________ develop a servant’s heart, that he may serve wholeheartedly “as if (he) was serving the Lord, not men.” Eph 6:7

25.   Purity: “Create in _____________ a pure heart, Oh God, and and let that purity be shown in his actions.” Ps 51:10

26.  Gratitude:  “Lord, please help ______________ to live a life that is always overflowing with thankfulness and always giving thanks to You for everything in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord.”  Ephesians 5:20, Colossians 2:7

27.  Discipline:  “May ___________ acquire a disciplined and prudent life doing what is right and just and fair.”  Proverbs 1:3

28.  Joy:  “May _____________ be filled with the joy given by your Holy Spirit.”  1 Thessalonians 1:6

29.  Courage:  “May ___________ always be strong and courageous in character and in action”.  Deuteronomy 31:6

30.  Willingness and Ability to Work:  “Teach __________ to value work and to work at it with all his heart, as working for You and not for men.”  Colossians 3:23

31.  A Heart for Missions:  “Lord, please help __________ to develop a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all peoples.” Psalm 96:3

Source:  PRAY!  Magazine issue #4

Can you imagine the impact such prayers can have on a child’s life, even years on down the road?!!!
Now when I meet with a young mom to share this with her I will bring this stack already made as a gift and then we’ll spend time praying through some of these cards for her child.  Remember people are much more likely to use something if you’ve first done it with them!  Depending on how much time she has we’ll pray back and forth through some of these for her child.  I encourage her to keep the stack near where she feeds her child and to seek to pray at least one verse prayer for her child each day.  But the beauty of having 31 cards numbered – even if she misses a few days she can just start on the card for that day!
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And can you ever have fun decorating the cards and personalizing them!  This batch I did with the word “thanks” written in the lower right hand corner of every card as a helpful reminder to always pray with thanks.
So you can put these verse prayers on a flip roll that will stand up on your dining room table, create your own stack using a circular ring which I find works great for walking and praying or I’ve also printed these on a bookmark that I keep beside my bed and will grab at night to pray through some of these verse prayers before going to sleep.  What a lovely way to end the day!
Now that my “baby” is 24 years old, it is such a joy to see how the Lord continues to answer these prayers!  I cannot recommend doing this highly enough!
And have I ever found this to be a wonderful example of one way older women can train younger women to “love their children” and be “busy at home!” ;0)
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ENGAGING THE UNSEEN FOE

By Jerry Bridges

Issues: Prayer is warfare with a defeated but still powerful enemy. When we allow our prayer lives to remain only on the level of immediate or “felt” needs, we risk the great danger of losing the struggle that God is ultimately interested in.

There’s a chapter in the history of the nation of Israel that I believe graphically illustrates the way we tend to operate as Christians.

Second Kings 3 records the account of Joram, the king of Israel, going into battle against the king of Moab. Joram did not seek God’s help or guidance for the fray; he simply made the decision and then enlisted the alliance of his former countryman, Jehoshaphat (king of Judah). Jehoshaphat didn’t pray either. After gathering up the king of Edom, they all went charging into battle.

In verse 9 we find out that they got into a supply problem: they ran out of water in the middle of the desert. Suddenly they wanted God’s help, and only then did they begin to pray (their method of praying was to seek the prophet). Their felt need was the focus of their prayer.

Water for their men and animals was a very important detail for those kings. But they were not out in the desert to drink water: they were there to fight a battle. Notice how God answered when he spoke to the prophet Elisha: “You will see neither wind nor rain, yet this valley will be filled with water, and you, your cattle and your other animals will drink. This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord; he will also hand Moab over to you” (verses 17–18). God had not forgotten the objective: to win the battle over the Moabites. The kings, however, had lost sight of why they were out there, because they were preoccupied with their immediate need.

THE TRUE BATTLEGROUND

As Christians, our prayer lives tend to dwell in the realm of water shortages. We seldom operate in the realm of true spiritual warfare. Go to an average prayer meeting, and I guarantee that 75 percent of the prayer requests will be for felt needs: for example, Jim’s neck. Now Jim’s neck needs to be healed, and I hope we are praying about it. But we never seem to get into the battle. As I’ve told students, “The only way that you can get prayed for at our church is to be in the hospital or out of a job.”

One year at Thanksgiving time I flew out to southern California to speak at a mission conference. My goal was to stimulate a vision among students and young military personnel for recruiting laborers for the harvest field. When I arrived at the Los Angeles airport, however, no one was there to meet me.

After wandering around the gate area and the baggage claim for forty-five minutes, I called the conference grounds. No answer. I thought, Well, I’ll get my secretary on this—she knows how to take care of these things. But when I called long distance back to Colorado Springs, no one answered the phone there either! Then I remembered that it was the Friday after Thanksgiving, and the office was closed. There I was, stuck.

It was then that I resorted to prayer: “Lord, if there is anyone in this airport looking for me,” I prayed, “help him to find me.” Not having much faith that my prayer was going to be answered, I headed out a nearby door to catch a bus to Pasadena. On my way out, I ran into a familiar-looking man on his way in. He was looking for me.

That was one of the quickest answers to prayer that I have ever experienced. Later on, however, I asked myself this question: “Did I pray as fervently for the real mission for which I was sent to southern California as I did that someone might find me at the airport?” In that airport, I was like Joram and Jehoshaphat, stranded in the desert without water. But the real reason I was there was not to get picked up at the airport, but to have a part in recruiting laborers for the harvest field. Jesus told us to pray that the Lord of the harvest will send forth laborers. That was the real battle.

There are three military terms that I feel illustrate various types of prayer: strategic, tactical, and logistical. Strategic refers to the ultimate objective—to defeat the enemy—and the overall plan, or strategy, to bring him into submission. Tactical means the specific battles necessary to achieve the ultimate objective. Logistical is simply supplying the physical needs of the army fighting the battle.

I believe that 75 to 80 percent of our prayer is for logistical items. For water in the desert. For someone to find us at the airport. For that sick person in the hospital. For the one who lost his job. All of these things are important, and we should be praying for them. But those kinds of things are almost all we pray about.

I would guess that 15 to 20 percent of our prayer effort is tactical, related to specific engagements with the enemy—the spiritual results of the conference I spoke at, for example. But that conference was only a specific operation; the overall objective was raising up laborers.

Very little of our prayer effort is strategic, or focused on our ultimate objective—the battle that God is really interested in. We need to remember that when we pray, we are entering into spiritual warfare. We are engaging a defeated but still powerful enemy: Satan, our unseen foe.

There are four primary aspects of this kind of warfare that are crucial to our success: first, understanding our enemy; second, identifying and learning to use the weapons with which to fight him; third, understanding the nature of our struggle with him; and fourth, focusing on the right objective in our attempts to defeat him.

UNDERSTANDING OUR ENEMY

In Ephesians 6:12, Paul says that our struggle is “not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Our warfare is with the devil and all of his evil angels. They are the spiritual forces Paul refers to in this passage.

The New Testament tells us four facts about the devil that we need to know in order to combat him. First, he is the ruler, with evil angels under him, of a kingdom in which all of the unsaved are held. When Paul wrote to the Ephesian believers that they were formerly dead in their sins, he was saying the same about us. We used to live in our sins when we followed “the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient” (Ephesians 2:1–2). We all used to follow the devil because we were all in his kingdom, under his dominion. When God commissioned Paul, he sent him to turn the Gentiles, the unsaved, “from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God” (Acts 26:18).

Not only does Satan hold the unsaved under his reign, but he also blinds the minds of unbelievers so that they cannot see the light of the gospel (2 Corinthians 4:4). That’s why witnessing often seems like pouring water off a duck’s back. Our speech comes across like a foreign language; the unbeliever just can’t understand.

When we witness to someone, we are launching an attack upon Satan’s kingdom. We cannot win this attack by our own power, because that person is under Satan’s dominion, and he is blinded by him. Jesus said that we cannot enter a strong man’s house and carry off his possessions until we first bind that strong man (Matthew 12:29). The strong man is the devil, and we bind him through prayer. That’s why we must enter into battle in prayer before we engage the unsaved in a witnessing situation.

The third fact that the Bible tells us about Satan is that he wars against believers, even though we have been delivered from his dominion into the kingdom of God. First Peter 5:8 says that he prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. The roaring lion is intended to symbolize the ferociousness of Satan.

When he attacks us in order to ruin us, however, he masquerades as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14). In Scripture, light stands for either truth or moral purity. When Paul says that Satan masquerades as an angel of light, he means that Satan tries to convince us that his false teaching is the truth. When he tempted Jesus in the desert, saying, “Cast yourself down because it is written, ‘He will hold you up,”’ Satan twisted the truth.

Second Timothy 2:22–26 tells us that Satan’s masquerade can be so deceptive that he actually takes believers captive to do his will. This is not demon-possession, but rather a diversion of our minds into false teaching, unimportant or peripheral issues, temptations, discouragement, and doubts about the truth of God’s word.

I vividly remember an event that occurred to me while going through an intense spiritual battle. I was looking at a particular promise in Scripture, when Satan planted this thought in my mind: “It isn’t true, is it?” That was just as clear in my mind as if he had spoken in a voice. He was seeking to make me captive to do his will by attacking my mind with false teaching.

We are at war with an enemy who has thousands of years of experience. Satan attacked Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he has been attacking God’s people ever since. He knows his strategy, and he is not locked up in logistics.

But Scripture gives us a fourth (and the most important) fact about Satan: he is a defeated foe. Colossians 2:15 tells us that Jesus Christ disarmed the powers and authorities and “made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the Cross.” This is the reason James can tell us, “Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7). Satan has lost the big war. He is now engaged in guerilla warfare against us, and we can defeat him in this day-to-day struggle.

USING THE RIGHT WEAPONS

In 2 Corinthians 10:3–5, Paul gives us a clue to the kind of weapon we need to battle Satan:

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The war we are engaged in is for the minds and souls of people. Our weapons are not physical, nor are they those of human logic and cleverness. They are divine.

When you are engaged in battle and the objective is a person’s mind, what are you going to use? The truth. Satan masquerades as an angel of truth, but we combat him with the real truth—the word of God. Paul tells us in Ephesians 6 to put on the full armor of God, so that we may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. The list of armor is primarily defensive: helmet, breastplate, belt, sandals, shield and so forth.

In verse 17, however, Paul says, “Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” There are two Greek words that are translated, “the word of God.” One of them is logos, referring to Scripture in general. The other is a word that focuses on a specific passage of Scripture. In this verse, Paul is referring to the specific word of God—individual passages of the Bible that are brought to bear on individual battles. Just as Jesus answered Satan with specific passages of Scripture from the Old Testament when he was tempted in the desert, so we fight Satan with specific passages of Scripture that apply to the situation at hand.

Our first weapon in battling our foe is the word of truth. In verse 18 of Ephesians 6, Paul gives us our second: “And pray in the Spirit.” The second weapon is prayer. Whether we are evangelizing the lost, discipling believers, or trying to restore a lapsed brother or sister, the weapons are always the same: the word of truth accompanied by prayer in the Spirit. We need the Spirit of God to open our minds and release us from Satan’s captivity.

The battle for the souls of men and women is really not won in the witnessing encounter or the discipling meeting, but in prayer, before we ever get into those situations. Our actions are of course necessary, but it is futile to fight without paving the way by prayer against the devil.

THE NATURE OF OUR STRUGGLE

We are at war against a powerful, unseen foe. And our weapons are the word of God and prayer. In order to use these weapons successfully, we need to have an adequate understanding of the kind of warfare we are engaged in.

Several times, Paul uses a word related to prayer that means to struggle or to agonize. It is the word from which we get our word agony. The same word is translated “fight” in 1 Timothy 6:12—“Fight the good fight of faith.” Paul also uses this word in Colossians 1:28–29: “We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present every one perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling [or agonizing] with all his energy, which so powerfully works within me.” Here Paul is talking about our first weapon, the word of truth. But in chapter two, verse 1 of his letter to the people at Colossae he continues, “I want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally.” In Colossians 1:29 Paul means, “I agonize in the ministry of the word.” In Colossians 2:1 he means, “I agonize in the ministry of prayer.” Both indicate intense fighting. Paul wasn’t just praying about those in the hospital and the unemployed. He was in the heat of the battle.

In Colossians 4:12, Paul commends Epaphras for the same kind of struggling: “Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. He is always wrestling [always agonizing, always waging war] in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured.” Epaphras had his eye on the battle. He wanted these people to grow up in Christ and stand firm in the will of God. He wasn’t just concerned about their logistical or felt needs. He was concerned about the spiritual aspects of their lives. And he waged war in prayer.

Are you in the battle? Have you agonized in prayer lately? Or are you still preoccupied with the material things of your life, as Joram was for the need of water, losing sight of the real battle and the real enemy?

FOCUSING ON THE RIGHT OBJECTIVE

Once we’ve faced the enemy, armed ourselves with the right weapons, and prepared ourselves for the rigors of battle, we can still jeopardize our success by losing sight of God’s ultimate objective in this spiritual warfare.

What is God’s objective? “For God so loved the world.” God so loved people that he gave his only begotten son. Christ died for them. This is God’s objective: people; not being found at the airport, or even having a great mission conference. Those are logistical and tactical operations.

In Genesis 12:3, God promised Abraham, “All people on earth will be blessed through you.” This hasn’t happened yet. Our job is to engage the enemy in warfare, to see that it does happen. God’s plan is going to be fulfilled, but he has ordained that this plan be carried out through prayer.

There are 4½ billion men, women, and children on this earth right now. Most of them have never received the gospel. Have you prayed God’s promises into fulfillment for any of those people lately? Are you engaging Satan in battle through prayer? Are you asking God to bind the strong man, and claiming Christ’s victory on the Cross?

Jesus said that the harvest is plentiful and the laborers are few. He told us to pray that the Lord of the harvest would raise up laborers. The battle is not with unemployment and sickness and transportation arrangements. Those are necessary logistical items, and I am not saying that we shouldn’t pray for those things. God is aware of our friend in the hospital, or the man or woman out of a job. But I think that his attitude toward them is embodied in what he said to Joram: “This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord.” They are logistical details. He will also hand the enemy over to us.

My challenge to you is this: keep praying for your friend in the hospital, and keep praying for your friend who needs work. But remember that these are light things in the eyes of the Lord. Ask God to get you into the heat of the real battle. Ask him to equip you to engage the unseen foe, and then take your prayer life into the war for God’s ultimate objective. And expect him to hand Moab over to you.

[1]Mayberry, Peter, Discipleship Journal, Issue 19, (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress) c2000.

Loving Your Children

When my son was finally born after three hours of pushing, I was utterly exhausted, but nothing can begin to describe the love that flooded my heart as I took him in my arms!  I could sit for hours just looking at him in wonder!  If anyone asked me, “Do you love your son?”  I would’ve said, “You better believe I do!”  And I do love him tremendously, but that doesn’t mean I always love him well.

Love as the Bible defines it is not a feeling.  And caring for children is one of the hardest jobs you can ever do!  Remember 1 Corinthians 13:4 – the measure of your love is not how you feel for your child, but how patient and kind you are to them… and not just in your “best” moments, but even when you’re sleep deprived and they are fussy and nothing you do can satisfy them or they’ve just learned the word “no” and are being off the charts irrational!

And being patient and kind is just the first part of this description!

When Paul instructs older women to teach what is good so  younger women will love their children, he is implying that younger women need help learning to love their children.

Note he doesn’t say older women should instruct “some” younger women to do this!

It is so important younger women understand all women need help learning to love their children!

Yet there seems to be an unspoken belief that a “good mom” should know what to do, should instinctively know how to love her child, and know what’s best for her child.  But this is a dangerous way of thinking ~ if you think to be a “good mom” you’re supposed to have this figured out, when an older woman approaches to give advice, it’s so easy to take it personally and take offense, walk away and miss out.

The truth is we all are deficient as moms and we all need older women to speak into our lives, teaching us what is good so we can love our children.

I’ll be honest, this is my least favorite part of discipling because it’s often like traversing a mine field.  I never know when someone is going to get upset or interpret what I’m saying as “she thinks I’m not a good mom” or if they do hear me out, start making excuses, “you just don’t know my child” or  “I’m already doing that.”

Like one time I was talking with a young mom about discipline and while holding her toddler she said, “But I do I discipline my child, I say no” and as the child started playing with the earring she was wearing, she said, “No” and pushed the child’s hand away, then “no…no….no…” again and again as the child continued to play with the earring until finally she exclaimed, “Oh all right, here” and she took the earring out of her ear and gave it to the child saying, “but don’t put it in your mouth.”

Now it’s easy to read a story like that and clearly see there’s a problem, but when you’re in the middle of life it’s not always so clear, is it?

But if you realize this is something no one “naturally” knows how to do, can that ever help you remain teachable.

And if we realize this is something we all need to learn and something God wants older women to help us learn can that ever spur us on to take initiative asking for input!

When our son was young we started actively looking for older couples who seemed to have done a good job parenting and we asked if we could take them out for dinner and hear their advice.  Did this ever prove to be a gold mine!

I’ll never forget one couple who met with us a number of times as our son was growing – they had three boys who all grew up to love the Lord and still are actively seeking to advance His kingdom , something we highly value – now these were active boys who were far from perfect – oh the treasures those parents passed onto us and the ideas they gave for parenting and loving active, strong willed, often mischievous boys well!

But here’s the kicker, despite seeking out input from older women and being committed to parenting our son as best as I could, I still fell short in so many ways.  One of the best things I had to learn to do was to confess to my son when I blew it and ask him to pray for me.  Did that ever model the gospel for him.  “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” – including his mom!

So even getting the best advice doesn’t mean you’ll do everything perfectly – we all have blind spots, times when we feel like we’re loving our child but maybe our motives are totally off and we’re just doing what feels good for us at the moment.  This is why you don’t just need advice occasionally but it’s so important to invite those around you to keep giving you feedback, to ask, “Please would you let me know if you see me doing something that doesn’t seem to be loving as I parent my child.”

This is one area of discipling where it’s so important that younger women take initiative, simply because so many older women have been hurt when trying to do this.

And the best way to start doing this is asking the Lord to bring older women into your life who can help you learn to do this. Can this ever help you receive correction and instruction when it does come – so you’re seeing it as an answer to prayer and not a rebuke or imposition.

Yes, not all advice is going to be helpful!  So ask the Lord to give you wisdom to know what to accept and apply in your life and what to forget!  But what a difference it can make when you realize people giving you advice, even correcting you is an act of love.  Even if the advice isn’t the best you can still be thankful for it.

The book of Proverbs is filled with verses related to how a wise man invites, listens to, and appreciates correction.  Does this ever speak volumes to how hard it can be to receive this – it takes wisdom to receive correction well and appreciate it!

It is much easier to give and get input before you start doing something.  So for older women, let me encourage you, make the most of the time you have investing in younger women before they have kids, to prepare them to love their children well.  There tends to be much more openness during this season than after the baby comes out!

And one of the best ways you can help prepare her is to alert her to this trap of the enemy.  Help her understand that loving her children is something she needs to learn (I’m still learning and my baby is 23!), that all women need to learn and it’s something she’s going to need ongoing input from those around her to do well.  Helping her come to grips with this and even doing a word study with her on correction to help her learn to see it as a gift, can help you continue to disciple her well even after kids come!

This is such a critical part of discipleship, which is why the enemy works so hard to reinforce these lies, incite pride and isolate women regarding this!  But truly one of the best ways women can love their children is by being teachable!

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Two other key implications flowing from the reality that loving our children is something everyone is deficient in and needs to learn to do:

  1. Asking God daily to help you learn to love your child can really help! (we don’t pray for what we don’t see a need for!  But can praying this daily ever serve as a reminder this is something we need help with!  And what wisdom it is to go to the Lord asking for the help He so delights to give!  I still pray this!  And you wouldn’t believe the ideas and insight He gives in response!!!)
  2. Remember love is a fruit of the spirit and Jesus says in John 15:5 “He who abides in me and I in him, bears much fruit; for without me you can do nothing.”  This is sooooo key!  I remember when my son was a baby he was up at 5:30 am like clockwork every morning clamoring to be fed so I had to give up having my quiet time before doing anything!  So I committed to taking the first opportunity I could to get time alone with God.  And you have to know during those days, the time he spent napping was so precious, so many things screamed at me to do them and you better believe the temptation was intense to do them, but I committed that I would seek first to get time with the Lord as soon as I could – and what a difference it made.  I cannot underscore how thankful I am for those daily decisions to make getting time with the Lord a priority.

Love Is A Choice

When Ruth Bell Graham (wife of evangelist Billy Graham) was asked if she’d ever considered divorce, she replied, “Divorce?  No.  Murder?  Yes!”

Marriage is hard.  Even if you get to choose who you’re going to be married to!  Imagine living in a time where your parents do the choosing, often years before you ever say, “I do!”

Small wonder one of the first things Paul instructs older women to teach younger women is how to love their husbands.  The Greek word used here is πιλανδρους which literally means “to have affection for one’s husband.”  When Paul was writing this most likely many women got engaged with zero affection for their husband as marriages were arranged.  Isn’t it wild to realize that having affection for one’s husband is something you can be taught?!

Having been married for over 27 years Jim and I have seen a lot of ups and downs – and some of those downs have taken us as low as we can go, where feelings totally flatlined.  There have been at least three times when I reached the point where all feelings died, where I simply felt no affection for him at all.

The first time happened after we’d been married two years.  In fact, I was ready to walk away from him and our marriage.  We were actually overseas at the time and I was staying an extra week to spend time with a friend.  I’ll never forget saying goodbye to him on the coast in England not caring if I ever saw him again.

But a few days later as I spent time with the Lord, He asked me, “Do you believe I brought you and Jim together?”  and I answered, “Yes, Lord.”  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt He had.  Then He said, “To walk away from him is to walk away from me.” And I thought, “I can live without him, but I can’t live without you!” So I decided to return to him and press on despite the pain and my feelings being totally dead towards him.

And here’s the crazy thing, as I did, those feelings came back, even more intense than before!  Over the course of 27 years, I’ve experienced this happening a number of times!

It is so vital that younger women understand this!

I’ll never forget a friend telling me.  “It’s over.  I don’t have any feelings for my husband anymore.  Our marriage is dead.”  What a difference it can make when we remember, God can raise the dead!

And when we remember, “Love is a choice!”  Feelings come and feelings go, and every marriage is going to pass through difficult times.  Any woman who has been married for any length of time can attest to this.  But you sure don’t see this in the movies!  And sadly, that’s where so many women learn about “loving” their husbands.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 we are given a description of love.  Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast.  It is not proud.  It is not rude.  It is not self-seeking.  It is not easily angered.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects.  Always trusts.  Always hopes.  Always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Do you see any mention of romantic feelings there?!

One thing I’ve found so clearly through the years, when I seek to live out love as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, feelings follow.  Feelings are a result, not something you pursue!  And certainly not something that’s magically there and when they vanish forever gone!

For example, when I’ve kept a record of wrongs and not been intentional in forgiving my husband (and when you live in close proximity to someone in this broken, fallen world, do you ever have ample opportunity to get hurt and be hurt by them!) has that ever taken a toll on our relationship.  When this happens the slightest thing he does can set me off (talk about being easily angered!).  But when I take the time to process what’s happened and forgive him, the difference in our relationship is HUGE!  (there’s more info on how I do this in the “Heal” section on this website).

Another thing that’s really helped – In my early years of marriage an older woman challenged me to take time each day to write down ten things about my husband I was thankful for!  At first, since at the time we were really struggling, it was hard to think of anything.  I started out, “He doesn’t beat me.”  But you know as I did this simple exercise it made  such a difference in my relationship with Jim.

You see, this side of heaven, everyone is a mixed bag – of strengths and weaknesses.  The only perfect person who ever walked this earth was Jesus – and he never married!  The enemy so loves to get us focused on our husband’s weaknesses (and comparing them to some other man’s strength – forgetting that other man has weaknesses too!).  But I found as I prayed with thanks for Jim did it ever help me gain a more balanced view – and remember the blessings of who the Lord has created him to be (and yes, they are many!)  Following Paul’s encouragement in Philippians 4:6-7 to pray with thanks is so important!

In fact, praying for my husband has been a key part of loving him well through the years.    For nearly 20 years I have sought to pray weekly with a friend for an hour each week for our husbands.  I cannot recommend this highly enough.  It has helped me persevere in loving Jim through our darkest seasons.

Back around 1995 when we attended a Family Life Marriage Conference (something I highly recommend!!!)  the speaker shared how she met weekly with a group of women to pray for their husbands and she handed out a basic outline they followed.  Right away I went home, found a prayer partner, and dove in!  You wouldn’t believe the answers to prayer we’ve seen!  But more than that, as I take time to intentionally lift my husband before the Father’s throne, does it ever impact me.  It’s like the Lord uses that time in a powerful way to give me His perspective on my marriage… and on my part in it! (yes, I can be a challenge to live with too!)

One other help has been praying through a bookmark entitled, “Seeing My Husband the Way Jesus Does.” Whenever I’m struggling, when those feelings start to falter, I pull out this bookmark (see below) and go walk and pray – and what a huge help it’s proved to be.  As I’m praying for him, I’m reminded how God sees him and what’s true about who he really is.

These are just a couple suggestions for things I seek to pass on to the women I meet with to help them learn how to love their husbands.  What’s helped you?  What is currently helping you?  Draw from that treasure and pass it on!  Younger women so need this encouragement and so need you to share your struggles and what’s helping you persevere!

Marriage is hard.  Thankfully not all the time!  :0)  But you’ve got to learn to persevere through the hard times if you want to enjoy the sweet ones over a lifetime.  What a difference it can make when older women will step up to the plate and help younger women learn to do this!

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RESOURCE:

Seeing My Husband The Way Jesus Does…

      is in Christ

Thank You for immersing my husband in Christ. Thank you for grafting him into the true vine.

      is blessed

Thank you for continually speaking well of him and favoring him in every possible way.

      is chosen

Thank you for picking him for yourself, like a groom marrying the bride he desires.

      is holy

Thank You for setting him aside for yourself, just like the best silver is set aside for special occasions

      is without blemish

Thank you that when you look at him, you do not focus on all his failures. Thank you for focusing on the best part of him, the part You have perfected, his innermost being.

      is adopted

Thank you, Father, that he is wanted. Thank you for coming to him, extending Your hand, pulling him to Your side, and making all the necessary arrangements to make him Your very own.

      is God’s child

Thank you for making him Your beloved child, in whom You are well pleased, for allowing him to bear your likeness, for making him your pride and joy.

      is free from sin’s power

Thank you for liberating him from his old master. Thank you for saving him from his enemy.

      is forgiven

Thank You that You now hold nothing against him. Thank you for not expecting him to make up for the ways he has failed you.

      is favored

Thank You for making him one of Your favorites. Thank You for hovering over him with a special loving attention, like a parent with a firstborn child.

      is wealthy

Thank You that as Your child he has an inheritance that provides all he needs. Thank You that he will always have more than he needs.

      is secure

Thank You for enveloping him in Your love so that he is sealed, secure and safe. Thank You for shielding and sheltering him by Your Spirit.

      is called

Thank You for giving him an exciting, fulfilling direction. Thank You for showing him why he is here and where he is going.

      is praiseworthy

Thank You for filling him with Your glory. Thank You for bragging about him as Your prized inheritance.

      is capable

Thank You that You love to show Your extraordinary power in him. Thank You that he is therefore qualified & able to do all You want him to do.

      is alive with Christ’s life

Thank You that since You came into his heart, he is born again – born from above and bursting with real life.

      is seated with Christ in heaven

Thank You for placing him with Christ in a position of extraordinary privilege and authority.

      is God’s masterpiece

Thank You for making him Your personal work of art. Thank You that he is the work of a Craftsman, not a mistake.

      is close to God

Thank You for not holding him at arm’s length. Thank You for pulling him to Your side in a prolonged embrace.

      is an insider

Thank You for making him a true citizen in Your kingdom. Thank You for making him a true member of Your household, no longer an outsider.

      is God’s mobile home

Thank You for moving into his heart. Thank You that he is now Your house, Your temple, Your tent.

      is promised great things

Thank You for making such priceless commitments to him. Thank You for letting him experience what others strive to obtain.

      is loved

Thank You for loving him the way he longs to be loved. Thank You that he can’t wear out Your love. Thank you for continuing to win his trust by convincing him of the depth of Your love.

      is a new creation

Thank You for completely remodeling his innermost being, his spirit. Thank You that all things in him are truly new.

      is righteous

Thank You for making everything right in his innermost being. Thank You for placing the holy and living Spirit of Your Son in him.

      is the light of the world

Thank You for making the light of Your life shine in him. Thank You for making him Your flashlight, shining into the darkness around him.

      is nourished

Thank You for satisfying his thirst and hunger. Thank You for the Bread of Life that fills him. Thank You for the Living Water welling up in his soul.

      is cherished

Thank You for adoring and treasuring him, like a parent marveling over a newborn baby.

      is Christ’s body

Thank You that although You once lived among Your people in an elaborate tent, and then You walked among us in a Galilean body, now You truly live in him. Thank You that he is actually a member of Your body.

      is united with Christ

Thank You for becoming one with him, as a husband becomes one flesh with his wife.

      is strong

Thank You that with You living in him, he can face anything. Thank You that every battle, test and victory belong to You.

Note: contents adapted from David Lyons’ booklet Now That I Am Born Again.

Discipling Women

In the Bible there are a number of gray areas, things the Bible doesn’t directly address, even mysteries!  Women discipling women is not one of them.

Paul writes in Titus 2:3-5 , “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

Note this starts with specific instructions on how the older women themselves should live!  Discipling others always begins with being a disciple of Jesus ourself!  Then out of that will flow not just words to pass on, but “follow me as I follow Christ!”

“Older women are to teach what is good,” but Paul doesn’t stop there.  He proceeds to give seven specifics that need to be passed on in any discipling relationship where women are seeking to invest in other women.   Older women are to teach what is good and so train the young women:

* to love their husband

* to love their children

* to be self-controlled

* to be pure

* to be working at home

* to be kind

* to be submissive to their own husbands

If you are involved in discipling women and this is not a key part of what you are doing, then biblically your discipleship is deficient!  And note, he doesn’t say to train married women in these things, but young women.

The best time to train for this isn’t after marriage!  Trust me, learning to love before you get married can really help your marriage get off on a much better start!  And if you don’t learn the value of purity and how to pursue it when the heat is on before you get married you are most likely going to do major destruction to your marriage before it even starts!

And please note, Paul wouldn’t highlight these areas if they came naturally to us!

You see a cute baby pass by and think, “What’s not to love?!”  but just wait until you have your own and he’s sick and fussy and you’re sleep deprived and there’s nothing you do can make him stop crying!  It does not come naturally to be patient at that moment!

And you watch the movies and think love is just going to flow when I find the “right” guy – not realizing every single person, including yourself, struggles with a sin nature and lives in a broken and fallen world.  Just wait until your husband hurts your feelings or you start experiencing the consequences of his sin.  What comes naturally is to react in pain, anger, frustration, not to be kind.

Yet kindness is so key Paul doesn’t just leave it as a part of love (expecting readers to cross reference his first letter to the Corinthians!) but he specifically states it again.  Training in being kind is a critical part of discipleship!!!

And in truth when you go through seasons where you aren’t happy with your life, where past wounds resurface, or where you are in pain from health problems, guess what’s the first thing that usually goes out the door?!  Kindness!  What comes naturally when you’re feeling poorly – emotionally or physically – is to take it out on whoever is closest to you!  We have to learn to be kind, learn to love, learn to be self controlled… and all the rest!

There is incredible wisdom in what the Lord has revealed through Paul regarding how women should be training other women!  Don’t ignore this!

And note he calls older women to train women “to love” and “to be” ~ the focus is not on doing.  It’s so easy to get a microcosmic focus where the goal of your discipleship is to teach someone how to do scripture memory, or how to have a quiet time, or how to pray.  And there is value in each of these things, but what a difference it can make when you keep in mind, the purpose for passing these things on is not simply to be doing these things but part of something so much greater!

The reason Paul gives for teaching women so they will be trained in these seven areas is so God’s word won’t be reviled or as it says in the New King James Version blasphemed.  To revile is to assail with abusive language, to blaspheme is to speak of God in an irreverent manner.  This is what can result when women aren’t trained in these areas.

Paul doesn’t say, teach women so they’ll be trained in these areas so they can live a wonderful life!  But so God’s word and God himself aren’t spoken poorly of.  What we do, the way we live reflects on the One we belong to!  It’s not about us!

If you take time to camp out prayerfully in this verse really seeking to understand what the Lord is saying ~ is there ever wealth in here!  And key guidance for how to disciple women!