Tag Archives: forgiveness

Love Is A Choice

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When Ruth Bell Graham (wife of evangelist Billy Graham) was asked if she’d ever considered divorce, she replied, “Divorce?  No.  Murder?  Yes!”

Marriage is hard.  Even if you get to choose who you’re going to be married to!  Imagine living in a time where your parents do the choosing, often years before you ever say, “I do!”

Small wonder one of the first things Paul instructs older women to teach younger women is how to love their husbands.  The Greek word used here is πιλανδρους which literally means “to have affection for one’s husband.”  When Paul was writing this most likely many women got engaged with zero affection for their husband as marriages were arranged.  Isn’t it wild to realize that having affection for one’s husband is something you can be taught?!

Having been married for over 27 years Jim and I have seen a lot of ups and downs – and some of those downs have taken us as low as we can go, where feelings totally flatlined.  There have been at least three times when I reached the point where all feelings died, where I simply felt no affection for him at all.

The first time happened after we’d been married two years.  In fact, I was ready to walk away from him and our marriage.  We were actually overseas at the time and I was staying an extra week to spend time with a friend.  I’ll never forget saying goodbye to him on the coast in England not caring if I ever saw him again.

But a few days later as I spent time with the Lord, He asked me, “Do you believe I brought you and Jim together?”  and I answered, “Yes, Lord.”  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt He had.  Then He said, “To walk away from him is to walk away from me.” And I thought, “I can live without him, but I can’t live without you!” So I decided to return to him and press on despite the pain and my feelings being totally dead towards him.

And here’s the crazy thing, as I did, those feelings came back, even more intense than before!  Over the course of 27 years, I’ve experienced this happening a number of times!

It is so vital that younger women understand this!

I’ll never forget a friend telling me.  “It’s over.  I don’t have any feelings for my husband anymore.  Our marriage is dead.”  What a difference it can make when we remember, God can raise the dead!

And when we remember, “Love is a choice!”  Feelings come and feelings go, and every marriage is going to pass through difficult times.  Any woman who has been married for any length of time can attest to this.  But you sure don’t see this in the movies!  And sadly, that’s where so many women learn about “loving” their husbands.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 we are given a description of love.  Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast.  It is not proud.  It is not rude.  It is not self-seeking.  It is not easily angered.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects.  Always trusts.  Always hopes.  Always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Do you see any mention of romantic feelings there?!

One thing I’ve found so clearly through the years, when I seek to live out love as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, feelings follow.  Feelings are a result, not something you pursue!  And certainly not something that’s magically there and when they vanish forever gone!

For example, when I’ve kept a record of wrongs and not been intentional in forgiving my husband (and when you live in close proximity to someone in this broken, fallen world, do you ever have ample opportunity to get hurt and be hurt by them!) has that ever taken a toll on our relationship.  When this happens the slightest thing he does can set me off (talk about being easily angered!).  But when I take the time to process what’s happened and forgive him, the difference in our relationship is HUGE!  (there’s more info on how I do this in the “Heal” section on this website).

Another thing that’s really helped – In my early years of marriage an older woman challenged me to take time each day to write down ten things about my husband I was thankful for!  At first, since at the time we were really struggling, it was hard to think of anything.  I started out, “He doesn’t beat me.”  But you know as I did this simple exercise it made  such a difference in my relationship with Jim.

You see, this side of heaven, everyone is a mixed bag – of strengths and weaknesses.  The only perfect person who ever walked this earth was Jesus – and he never married!  The enemy so loves to get us focused on our husband’s weaknesses (and comparing them to some other man’s strength – forgetting that other man has weaknesses too!).  But I found as I prayed with thanks for Jim did it ever help me gain a more balanced view – and remember the blessings of who the Lord has created him to be (and yes, they are many!)  Following Paul’s encouragement in Philippians 4:6-7 to pray with thanks is so important!

In fact, praying for my husband has been a key part of loving him well through the years.    For nearly 20 years I have sought to pray weekly with a friend for an hour each week for our husbands.  I cannot recommend this highly enough.  It has helped me persevere in loving Jim through our darkest seasons.

Back around 1995 when we attended a Family Life Marriage Conference (something I highly recommend!!!)  the speaker shared how she met weekly with a group of women to pray for their husbands and she handed out a basic outline they followed.  Right away I went home, found a prayer partner, and dove in!  You wouldn’t believe the answers to prayer we’ve seen!  But more than that, as I take time to intentionally lift my husband before the Father’s throne, does it ever impact me.  It’s like the Lord uses that time in a powerful way to give me His perspective on my marriage… and on my part in it! (yes, I can be a challenge to live with too!)

One other help has been praying through a bookmark entitled, “Seeing My Husband the Way Jesus Does.” Whenever I’m struggling, when those feelings start to falter, I pull out this bookmark (see below) and go walk and pray – and what a huge help it’s proved to be.  As I’m praying for him, I’m reminded how God sees him and what’s true about who he really is.

These are just a couple suggestions for things I seek to pass on to the women I meet with to help them learn how to love their husbands.  What’s helped you?  What is currently helping you?  Draw from that treasure and pass it on!  Younger women so need this encouragement and so need you to share your struggles and what’s helping you persevere!

Marriage is hard.  Thankfully not all the time!  :0)  But you’ve got to learn to persevere through the hard times if you want to enjoy the sweet ones over a lifetime.  What a difference it can make when older women will step up to the plate and help younger women learn to do this!

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RESOURCE:

Seeing My Husband The Way Jesus Does…

      is in Christ

Thank You for immersing my husband in Christ. Thank you for grafting him into the true vine.

      is blessed

Thank you for continually speaking well of him and favoring him in every possible way.

      is chosen

Thank you for picking him for yourself, like a groom marrying the bride he desires.

      is holy

Thank You for setting him aside for yourself, just like the best silver is set aside for special occasions

      is without blemish

Thank you that when you look at him, you do not focus on all his failures. Thank you for focusing on the best part of him, the part You have perfected, his innermost being.

      is adopted

Thank you, Father, that he is wanted. Thank you for coming to him, extending Your hand, pulling him to Your side, and making all the necessary arrangements to make him Your very own.

      is God’s child

Thank you for making him Your beloved child, in whom You are well pleased, for allowing him to bear your likeness, for making him your pride and joy.

      is free from sin’s power

Thank you for liberating him from his old master. Thank you for saving him from his enemy.

      is forgiven

Thank You that You now hold nothing against him. Thank you for not expecting him to make up for the ways he has failed you.

      is favored

Thank You for making him one of Your favorites. Thank You for hovering over him with a special loving attention, like a parent with a firstborn child.

      is wealthy

Thank You that as Your child he has an inheritance that provides all he needs. Thank You that he will always have more than he needs.

      is secure

Thank You for enveloping him in Your love so that he is sealed, secure and safe. Thank You for shielding and sheltering him by Your Spirit.

      is called

Thank You for giving him an exciting, fulfilling direction. Thank You for showing him why he is here and where he is going.

      is praiseworthy

Thank You for filling him with Your glory. Thank You for bragging about him as Your prized inheritance.

      is capable

Thank You that You love to show Your extraordinary power in him. Thank You that he is therefore qualified & able to do all You want him to do.

      is alive with Christ’s life

Thank You that since You came into his heart, he is born again – born from above and bursting with real life.

      is seated with Christ in heaven

Thank You for placing him with Christ in a position of extraordinary privilege and authority.

      is God’s masterpiece

Thank You for making him Your personal work of art. Thank You that he is the work of a Craftsman, not a mistake.

      is close to God

Thank You for not holding him at arm’s length. Thank You for pulling him to Your side in a prolonged embrace.

      is an insider

Thank You for making him a true citizen in Your kingdom. Thank You for making him a true member of Your household, no longer an outsider.

      is God’s mobile home

Thank You for moving into his heart. Thank You that he is now Your house, Your temple, Your tent.

      is promised great things

Thank You for making such priceless commitments to him. Thank You for letting him experience what others strive to obtain.

      is loved

Thank You for loving him the way he longs to be loved. Thank You that he can’t wear out Your love. Thank you for continuing to win his trust by convincing him of the depth of Your love.

      is a new creation

Thank You for completely remodeling his innermost being, his spirit. Thank You that all things in him are truly new.

      is righteous

Thank You for making everything right in his innermost being. Thank You for placing the holy and living Spirit of Your Son in him.

      is the light of the world

Thank You for making the light of Your life shine in him. Thank You for making him Your flashlight, shining into the darkness around him.

      is nourished

Thank You for satisfying his thirst and hunger. Thank You for the Bread of Life that fills him. Thank You for the Living Water welling up in his soul.

      is cherished

Thank You for adoring and treasuring him, like a parent marveling over a newborn baby.

      is Christ’s body

Thank You that although You once lived among Your people in an elaborate tent, and then You walked among us in a Galilean body, now You truly live in him. Thank You that he is actually a member of Your body.

      is united with Christ

Thank You for becoming one with him, as a husband becomes one flesh with his wife.

      is strong

Thank You that with You living in him, he can face anything. Thank You that every battle, test and victory belong to You.

Note: contents adapted from David Lyons’ booklet Now That I Am Born Again.

The Wisdom of Questions

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If someone came up to you and asked, “What do I need to do to get eternal life?”  how would you respond?

Would you dive in sharing the bridge or another illustration?   Ask them if they’d like to start reading through the book of John with you? Share your personal testimony?

At different times I’ve done each of these.  But here’s the crazy thing… that’s not what Jesus did!

He responded with a question!  (Matthew 19:16)

In fact, if you read through the gospels, nearly every time Jesus is asked a question, he responds with a question!

Not only can this help to clarify what the person is asking, it also engages them in dialogue, drawing them into the conversation.

This is not only helpful when doing evangelism, but especially when discipling someone.  There’s a fascinating  verse in 1 John 2:27, “But you have received the Holy Spirit and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true.  For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true – it is not a lie.  So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ.”

Once someone has entered into a relationship with Jesus, she has His Spirit living within her.  And God’s Spirit is so faithful to do what He’s promised to do – to teach us… if we’ll listen.  Over and over I am amazed at how true this verse is.

As I grasp the reality of this I realize my main job in discipling someone is not to teach her, but to come alongside and encourage her to remain in fellowship with Christ, to help her learn how to place herself in a position where she is able to hear what God wants to teach her and to help her learn to persevere in doing this.

A great way to do this is to ask questions – and teach her to ask questions.

The first question I ever ask before meeting with someone is of God, “What do you want me doing with this woman today?  How can I come alongside her and join in with what you’re doing?”

Then I seek to start our time asking questions about how she’s doing.  I recently met with a precious young woman who wanted to learn about forgiveness.  When I asked how she was doing she started to weep and share some painful things she was wrestling with.  It quickly became apparent learning about forgiveness was not the main reason the Lord brought us together.  When I asked, “What lies do you think the enemy is trying to get you to believe right now?” what followed was one of the most amazing one on ones I’ve had.  And I mostly listened!  Then together we considered the truth God gives in His Word to combat those lies.  And yes, we ended up in the last ten minutes talking about forgiveness as it tied in with what she was struggling with but do you see?  Without asking questions I so easily could’ve missed out on what the Lord really wanted for our time!

When I’m having a shared quiet time with someone I’m helping her learn to ask, “Where do you want me to focus today in your Word, Lord?”  “What do you want to say to me through this?” and “What difference do you want this to make in my life?”

You don’t have a daily quiet time to “be a good  Christian”  or to earn God’s favor.  You have one because this is an incredible way to learn to listen to the Lord and remain in fellowship with Him, so when He wants to teach you something you’re picking up on it and developing the discipline of responding and doing what He teaches you!  I cannot stress how radically life changing this is!!!

Now while I initially may “teach” them what I do, note the focus is on them showing up to learn from the Lord.  This helps them grow in their dependence on Him and not on me!

I need to be careful because it can be a heady thing having someone ask for your advice or ask you how to do something.  My pride loves to demonstrate what I know.  It’s so easy for that to kick in without me even realizing it and suddenly a one on one becomes a monologue.

But you know, when I take time to ask questions that really helps save me (and the woman I’m meeting with!) from this!

Plus it’s amazing how many times when I respond with a question I discover what she really is asking is rather different from what I first thought!

Good question asking is a skill.  It’s so much easier to “tell.”  But I have been amazed at how much more effective it is when my questions help people discover on their own the answer the Holy Spirit is giving them.

The good news is this is something anyone can grow in!  So I’m asking God for the grace to be more like Him in this.  And as I do, what a difference it’s making in my discipling!

Processing Poop!

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Um, yes.  This can be a messy, stinky, nasty subject.  But it is a reality of life!

From the moment of birth until the day of death, it’s something you have to deal with daily!  Physically as well as spiritually.

Think about it – there are waste products that daily impact our lives and the lives around us that come from living in a broken, fallen world – and from being broken and sinful ourselves.

Thankfully the Lord has given us three precious gifts to help us deal with this.  But if you don’t know about them, if you don’t take advantage of them actively applying them in your life – it won’t take long until things get really crappy!

So processing poop is a key area that needs to be addressed when you are following someone up.  And in truth, if someone hasn’t learned how to do this or isn’t regularly doing this, even in discipleship you have to make it a priority!

GIFT #1:  Jesus!

Because of Jesus, once someone has entered into a relationship with Him and put their trust in Him they are clean – even on their worst day!  Because of Jesus God never sees us as a poopy mess!  We are told in 1 John 1:7, that “the blood of Jesus Christ, God’s son, cleanses us from all sin.”  Did you catch that?  ALL sin!  And just in case that’s not enough, He stresses this again in 1 Peter 3:18, Hebrews 9:28, and Romans 6:10!  Jesus didn’t just die for the sins we committed before entering into a relationship with Him, but for ALL of them!

But because we don’t see the way He sees, He also gives us…

GIFT #2:  Confession

Confession is simply agreeing with the Lord that we were wrong!  He promises us in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just, to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  Now God gives us His very great and precious promises so we’ll take Him up on them!  If you don’t, it’s like getting a bunch of checks for your birthday you never cash!  Do you ever miss out!

I don’t know about you – but I sin every single day! Even without trying to!  But it’s so easy to just move on, as if it didn’t happen and not deal with it.  That, my friends, is like dropping a load every day and never flushing the toilet!  Even though the Lord sees me as clean and Jesus has paid the penalty for all I’ve done, it won’t take long until that stench starts impacting me!

But what’s worse, in Luke 7:47 Jesus makes it clear that those who are forgiven little, love little.  Now it’s not that there are people out there who just don’t sin much – it’s that without confession, without actively experiencing the Lord forgiving you, it’s so easy to not realize how much you’ve been forgiven – and miss out on appreciating Jesus even more and growing in loving Him more because of this!

You see, when I take the time daily to confess my sins, agreeing with Jesus I’ve blown it, that I am wrong, not only do I have the satisfaction of experiencing Him cleansing my conscience, but I have the opportunity to grow in loving Him even more as I become increasingly aware of how desperately I need Him every single day!

Bet you never knew processing poop could yield such beauty?!  :0)

But this doesn’t just happen!

We have to first understand how vital confession is – I need it for my conscience sake – or I am really a sitting duck for the enemy.  But I also need to understand how it can help me grow in appreciating and loving the Lord more.  This provides the necessary motivation for me to take the time to do this!

Then I need to know how to do it and come up with a plan for doing it.  For myself,  each night before I go to bed I take time to reflect on the day, asking the Lord to bring to mind ways I’ve blown it.  As I write these down I agree with God I was wrong, and thank Jesus for paying the penalty for each sin I committed.  I cannot begin to tell you how much better I feel and how much better I sleep after processing through this with Him.

(In the Heal section there is a story “The Princess and The Pig” illustrating the beauty of confession)

GIFT #3:  Forgiveness

I’ll never forget when my son was an infant, I was sitting in the back of church when he had a total blow out!  We were using cloth diapers at the time and let me just say, they weren’t too great at containing things.  Yep!  I ended up drenched!

Is that not a perfect picture of what sin can do – it doesn’t just impact the one sinning, but it sure can leak out and mess those around you.  When that happens, when we are soiled by the sin of others, God’s gift of forgiveness is so vital for us to get clean.

Now in our culture forgiveness is treated way too lightly and inefficiently.  When you have been negatively impacted by someone else’s sin you need to not just forgive them for what they did, but also for how it made you feel.  If  you look under the helps section you will find some great resources for how to help someone truly learn how to forgive.  This is a KEY area that people have to learn about to survive in this broken world.  Honestly, this is something you want to excel in – daily!  Please note this is a key thing Jesus teaches His disciples when they ask Him how to pray!

And you know, each time I have to forgive someone, I’m reminded how costly it was for Jesus to forgive me.  So here too, processing poop yields beauty!

Don’t let it pile and defile!